New Rules

So now that my health insurance premiums are going up because I will now have to subsidize Fatty McButterpants's health care, I want the right to impose some new rules on my fellow Americans.

1) If you are overweight, you are not allowed to smoke, drink alcohol, or eat fast food.

2) If you are currently thin, you will not be allowed to get overweight. Eating anything fattening is now illegal because it will cause you to gain weight and that will cause problems down the road so let's just cut that out now. Put down that piece of cheesecake and back away. Slowly.

3) Intravenous drug use shall remain illegal. If you are caught using intravenous drugs, you will be shot on sight. I don't want to have to pay for your rehab bills and let's face it, how many of you are really going to turn your lives around rather than relapse?

4) People will be forced to join a gym and exercise for at least 30 minutes a day. And if you can't find 30 minutes to exercise, your employer must allow you to take the time out from work to exercise, just like voting.

5) Smoking is now illegal because it kills and it will cost money to treat people with lung cancer. C'mon America, we can put those cigarette companies out of business.

So let's start with those new rules and see where that gets us. I'm sure the founding father would be so proud of us right now.